Things Said In An Almost Clean Bathroom
I'm bending over my daughter's bathtub, scrubbing with a magic eraser, noxious fumes from the chemicals wafting up in my face and that's when she says it ... "mommy, we've really been getting along here lately." "Yes sweetheart," I say, "as opposed to what," I like to joke with her like this.
She then says the words that makes my heart drop, "we're getting along now because we're working on our relationship."
I'm sure I said something graceful, kind, and loving in response but that struck me to my core and it reminded me just how hard my daughter and I HAVE worked on our relationship.
What I Expected-Lemons
When my kids moved in I had all these delusions of grandeur and for a long time, I worked hard to bring them to fruition (I nearly burned myself out). I expected for us to function like every other family does the moment they moved in, which I soon found out was not realistic at all. I expected for their loyalties to lie with us because we were mom and dad now, that too was unrealistic because they had spent several years with one family creating a family atmosphere and circle of security.
What I Found
I found that although our children had known my husband and I for 9 months they had to learn to trust us as mom and dad. They had to work out their emotions surrounding the adoption because even though it was something they wanted, it was still new territory for them ... and us too. They had to relearn how to function in previous relationships and learn how to navigate new ones.
In the midst of all this change, my daughter and I saw a lot of turmoil. We clashed more than we did before they moved in. Both of us felt unloved and unsure of what to do next.
Lemonade
On Easter, after a weekend of epic, Colosseum, Gladiator style, (well not really but you get the idea) mother/daughter clashing the two of us sat down for a truce. I was still fuming and not really ready to say what I was going to say but I had every intention of following through with it. That night I told her that I was going to be more intentional about my relationship with her, that I was going to love her the way she wanted to be and deserved to be loved.
Since that night we have both worked on our attitude toward each other and the way we speak to each other. We have been more intentional about spending time with each other. My favorite thing to do is put the other kids to bed and keep her up for mother/ daughter time where we share a yoo-hoo or pecan pie, (can you guess which part of the country we live in based on our food preferences) during this time we catch up on the day and generally spend time together.
I anticipated a lot during the process of this adoption but I didn't anticipate the struggles my daughter and I would face. She and I have worked hard to have a mother/daughter bond, it's not perfect but it's a work in progress and for that, I am proud.
I hope one day she reads this and remembers how hard we worked and knows how much I love her and how much I prayed for her before I ever knew her. She didn't grow in my stomach, she grew in my heart and God has amplified that love with each passing day for both my children.
Adoption is a beautiful, difficult thing. It takes a lot of grace from everyone involved. Everyone involved must give it time because it doesn't just work the second everyone is home and settled in. You have to learn everyone's nuances, their pet peeves, their likes and dislikes and that takes time.When the garden starts to bloom and flowers start to bud, it becomes a beautiful thing. I have learned to give my family, my daughter that time and the flowers that are blooming are beautiful.
What have you learned from time with your family? How are you intentional with them? Leave your responses or suggestions in the comments below. I look forward to reading them. Also, if you like what you read, feel free to share or follow me ... or both!
