The Things No One Tells You About

Things Said In An Almost Clean Bathroom

I'm bending over my daughter's bathtub, scrubbing with a magic eraser, noxious fumes from the chemicals wafting up in my face and that's when she says it ... "mommy, we've really been getting along here lately." "Yes sweetheart," I say, "as opposed to what," I like to joke with her like this. 

She then says the words that makes my heart drop, "we're getting along now because we're working on our relationship." 

I'm sure I said something graceful, kind, and loving in response but that struck me to my core and it reminded me just how hard my daughter and I HAVE worked on our relationship. 

What I Expected-Lemons

When my kids moved in I had all these delusions of grandeur and for a long time, I worked hard to bring them to fruition (I nearly burned myself out). I expected for us to function like every other family does the moment they moved in, which I soon found out was not realistic at all. I expected for their loyalties to lie with us because we were mom and dad now, that too was unrealistic because they had spent several years with one family creating a family atmosphere and circle of security. 

What I Found

I found that although our children had known my husband and I for 9 months they had to learn to trust us as mom and dad. They had to work out their emotions surrounding the adoption because even though it was something they wanted, it was still new territory for them ... and us too. They had to relearn how to function in previous relationships and learn how to navigate new ones. 

In the midst of all this change, my daughter and I saw a lot of turmoil. We clashed more than we did before they moved in. Both of us felt unloved and unsure of what to do next.  

Lemonade

On Easter, after a weekend of epic, Colosseum, Gladiator style, (well not really but you get the idea)  mother/daughter clashing the two of us sat down for a truce. I was still fuming and not really ready to say what I was going to say but I had every intention of following through with it. That night I told her that I was going to be more intentional about my relationship with her, that I was going to love her the way she wanted to be and deserved to be loved.

Since that night we have both worked on our attitude toward each other and the way we speak to each other. We have been more intentional about spending time with each other. My favorite thing to do is put the other kids to bed and keep her up for mother/ daughter time where we share a yoo-hoo or pecan pie, (can you guess which part of the country we live in based on our food preferences) during this time we catch up on the day and generally spend time together. 

I anticipated a lot during the process of this adoption but I didn't anticipate the struggles my daughter and I would face. She and I have worked hard to have a mother/daughter bond, it's not perfect but it's a work in progress and for that, I am proud. 

I hope one day she reads this and remembers how hard we worked and knows how much I love her and how much I prayed for her before I ever knew her. She didn't grow in my stomach, she grew in my heart and God has amplified that love with each passing day for both my children. 

Adoption is a beautiful, difficult thing. It takes a lot of grace from everyone involved. Everyone involved must give it time because it doesn't just work the second everyone is home and settled in. You have to learn everyone's nuances, their pet peeves, their likes and dislikes and that takes time.When the garden starts to bloom and flowers start to bud, it becomes a beautiful thing. I have learned to give my family, my daughter that time and the flowers that are blooming are beautiful. 

What have you learned from time with your family? How are you intentional with them? Leave your responses or suggestions in the comments below. I look forward to reading them. Also, if you like what you read, feel free to share or follow me ... or both!  

Your Baby Is Cute But I'll Stay Over Here

                                                            What Kind of Depressing Title is That

As children we are told to dry it up, stop crying, everything is fine; how does that translate into adulthood? 

It translates into adults thinking they have to carry the weight of their burdens by themselves because they think they have to be stronger than they feel. 

Why I Don't Want to Hold Your Baby

In September 2012, after over 2 years of trying; my husband and I found out that our dreams of having biological children would never be a reality. We were crushed. We sat around the house and cried for days (and ate pizza, lots and lots of pizza); once the shock wore off we slowly began to look at adoption. We thought our calling was to adopt infants from another country but the financial aspect of doing so seemed daunting to say the least; so we tabled our dream and continued on with life. 

In April of the following year we moved from Missouri to Tennessee to go to Graduate school, but Knoxville never felt like home. In November of 2013 we began the process of becoming Professional Foster Parents with an organization in our home town in North Carolina and we moved back home in February of 2014. We felt like Abraham and Sarah. Although we knew our plan was to adopt, we promised each other that we wouldn't adopt the first children that we met or that was placed in our home. 

We've had several children placed in our home but the two that God placed on our hearts and that we grew to love as our children are the two that we met first on the day we were moving in (funny how God works). I won't give you their names simply for the fact that we are working on new ones; they will be changed after the adoption is finalized. I will say that we have grown to love a beautiful, 10 year old girl with curly, strawberry blonde hair and a handsome, 8 year old boy with freckles all over his face. 

The sting and jealousy of infertility still creep up every now and then when I allow myself to think about the years that I've missed or the things that I don't get to experience. However, the joy that I get to experience with these two far surpasses anything that I could have planned or wanted for myself. My Father knew what He was doing when He said that my plans weren't good enough, that there was something better in store for my family. 

So, I don't want to hold a baby not because I'm a hateful old hag who hates babies or because I'm a witch who steals their souls ... but because I must guard my heart from the feelings that holding a baby inflicts on it. My family is complete, I have the children that God has promised me and I am happy; I don't want to tempt myself to be unhappy in the things that God has blessed me with. It's a human flaw, an easy trap to fall into to become unhappy with the blessings that we have; one that I have fallen victim to many times. I have learned, in my meager 26 years, to guard my heart from the things that make me jealous or angry.

Back To The Beginning 

It took a long time for me to be comfortable sharing this "shame" with people. People "more fertile" than us would ask when we were going to start "popping out" babies and once I got over the urge to throat punch them, I would ( as politely as possible) explain our situation to them.

 I was told as a child that everything was fine, that I needed to dry it up.  As an adult, I never learned how to depend on other people for support. I'm learning to do that now (whoopieee!) ... more importantly, I'm teaching my kids how to do it. Transparency is a huge component in my relationship with Christ, my husband, my kids and others and I believe they need to see it functioning properly in order to learn how to be transparent themselves. It's not easy and there are days I don't like to do it, but it's healthy; therefore, I'm going to do it for them. 

Your Turn

How do you promote transparency in your home? Are any of you brave enough to share you struggles/shame with us in the comments? I look forward to reading them. 

Quick, Somebody Get That Kid Some Water ... He's About To Blow!

Tranquility 

This is how the day should have gone ... like a peaceful day at the beach (not that we were at the beach, but one can dream).

Instead, "the child" decided he was going to spend the day having one temper tantrum after another over arbitrary details. Sally, the Shark's dorsal fin rose from the crystal, blue depths every now and then, I would send her back down below and ask "the child" to work on calming himself down. It's not an easy task for a grown man to calm himself down in the heat of the moment, so how does one get a child to do so when they are throwing a temper tantrum?

Just Breathe

When "the child" is throwing a temper tantrum my first inclination is to join him ... then I'm quickly reminded of the amount of gray matter that I possess and just how inappropriate that would actually be. Once the urge to join passes, I usually ask the upset child to do some breathing exercise to help them regain control of their body. Asking a screaming child to do "belly or buzz breathing" worked like a charm in the beginning ... so do root canals on roller coasters.
Then, much to my husband's credit (don't tell him I said that)had a brilliant idea (don't tell him that either). He decided we were going to have anger drills in our house everyday ... or at least we were going to aspire to do them everyday.

Anger Drills 

The idea behind anger drills is quite simple. Each day our goal is to give our children a few minutes in their rooms to practice "being angry" and then to practice the breathing techniques that they prefer to use to calm their body down when they get upset. The purpose of getting a child to do an anger drill when they are not upset, is to make them more willing to do it when they are ... and guess what ... it worked like a charm (for real this time, no roller coasters or root canals needed). After implementing anger drills in our house, we've seen a decrease in temper tantrums in our home and an increase in our children's ability to regulate their own emotions (again, what's with kids growing up ... I really need them to stay dependent on me forever).  Warning ... this doesn't mean that temper tantrums are non-existent now, but they have subsided quite a bit. 

What I've Learned

I've learned that it's easy to leave a child alone to deal with their emotions and expect them to work it out on their own. I've also learned that it's unrealistic to expect that; a grown man can't do that on a good day, let alone a child on a bad one. Another important lesson that I have learned is that "the child" is more likely to calm down quickly if I am able to do the breathing exercise with him. No one wants to be alone in their emotions, children are the same; when we take the time to take a few deep breaths with our children their bodies relax much more quickly than if they were left to do it alone. Most importantly, I've learned to give my child the space to be upset and angry and I've given them the tools to do it in a manner that is healthy for them. 

What Have You Learned

What techniques do you use in your home to help your children when they are throwing a temper tantrum? Let us know in the comments below. 

My Pet Shark ... Let's Call Her Sally

30 minutes until the bus comes

6 AM ... My Fitbit jitters my hand.  I drag myself out of bed and stumble into my children's rooms to get them up for school.(Mistake number 1)What I should have done is gotten up at least  20 minutes earlier and made coffee and spent time taming Sally, the Shark ... but instead I breach the threshold of my 8 year old's bedroom.  Thus the battle ensues. 

                                                        

28 minutes until the bus comes  

I flip on the light (mistake number 2). As electricity surges through the wires in his room, anger surges through him. I receive an ear full about turning off the light before I tell the now fully awake "child" to get ready for school. 

18 minutes until the bus comes

 10 minutes have clicked by and I am now returning to "the child's" room to tell him once again to get out of bed and get ready for school. At this point "the child" rolls out of bed grumbling, stomps off to the bathroom, and slams the door. 

THIS is the exact moment that Sally, the Shark makes her appearance...This is also the exact moment that toys miraculously start flying out of "the child's" room, and privileges start disappearing into thin air...Yep Sally, the Shark is here! No, I don't have a personality disorder and I don't need to see a psychiatrist. 

Sally, the Shark

Sally, my pet shark is the metaphorical mass of emotions that I feel when my children's emotions seem to be out of control or bigger than I can handle. Typically, Sally, the Shark doesn't bring anything good on her visits. She never brings souvenirs or tasty treats from the places she's visited; her visits usually result in tantrums and power struggles. 

                                                           

Taming Your Shark

So, how does one avoid power struggles and tantrums, you ask? 

First and foremost, know your Shark and it's limitations!  When you start to feel overwhelmed by your child's "big" emotions, i.e. anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment; recognize that as your untamed Shark. The sooner you recognize your Shark, the sooner you can attain composure. 

Secondly, remember that you are the adult and it is your job to help your child, no matter how disrespected or slighted you feel. It can be difficult when a child is throwing a temper tantrum over something silly, but if you are able to remain in control, the situation can be diffused a lot more quickly than if you let your Shark dictate the situation. 

Finally, and most importantly, remember to do all things in love for your child. This may sound like a simple thing, "love your kid," but I feel it is necessary to say ... it is also necessary to remember it when your child is throwing a temper tantrum.  Children have a limited amount of gray matter, therefore we must re-evaluate our approach when children tantrum or become unruly. 

    

                  7 Minutes until the bus comes

"The child" is now sitting on the couch, backpack in tow, waiting patiently for the bus. I am sitting in my chair, praying for the next 7 minutes to pass, so that I can return to my slumber and continue dreaming about a sandy paradise with no laundry. "The child" looks up at me and says "mommy," he then throws his hand in the air and shows me the "I love you" symbol.   The struggle of the morning instantly fades away and Sally, the Shark  swims back to the sea. With that little hand and "I love you" symbol, I am re-invigorated to start my day. 

0 Minutes until the bus comes

I send my children out the door and start a pot of coffee (and vow to start with coffee the next morning). When I hear the chime of my coffee pot, I pour the rich, black goodness into my Yoda coffee mug with my favorite creamer and sit down to reflect on what I should have done differently. How could I have kept Sally, the Shark in the ocean instead of in my home? 

What are some ways that you avoid tantrums and power struggles in your house? What suggestions do you have for myself and other readers for helping children cope with emotions? Leave your suggestions in the comments below. I look forward to hearing what you have to say!