Expectations

I Would Love To Be Asleep Right Now! 

Right now in Western North Carolina it is 5:30 A.M.

 I have been awake since 2:30 A.M.

My house is quiet, except for the occasional popping and cracking that houses usually make when they are settling or the noise the ac makes when it comes on.

My brain won't shut off and my body has decided to have a "moment" so I am left to deal with 6 children in a couple of hours on precious little sleep (blog post to follow, I'm sure). I've been strolling through Facebook and Pinterest trying to make myself sleepy but none of that is working right now ...

I am quite the planner, having 6 children in my home requires organization and finesse. I typically plan an event at least a month in advance and begin planning holiday events several months in advance.

While on Pinterest, I was looking through the Holidays and Events sections trying to get ideas for the upcoming holiday season (yes, I am 'that' mom).

Fall is my favorite time of year ( I discussed my adoration for this season here in my last post). During my time of misery and trolling of the interwebs I sought out new things for my family to do this Fall that we didn't do last year.

Last Year

While I was reading a Fall Bucket List I was reminded of the transition my family was experiencing last year. The excitement and anticipation that we all felt ... and the expectations that we all had for upcoming events. 

During this time last year, my husband and I were visiting with the children who would become our son and daughter. They didn't know the reason for their increased time with us until almost three months later when we asked them in front of our family, their foster mom and G.A.L. if we could be their forever family. 

Expectations

When you find out you're going to have kids, biologically or by adoption, you begin to have a lot of expectations about what the future holds for your family. In your dreams, trips to the pumpkin patch go perfectly, no one gets an attitude or says their bored and everyone comes home with the perfect pumpkin. On their best days no one gets in trouble and everyone does what you say ... and then you wake up and realize that NyQuil may relieve your Cold symptoms but it gives you delusional dreams. 

My expectations were a little too unrealistic to be met. It takes time for a family unit to be created, for trust to be built, and for a bond to be knitted. 

We had taken the kids to a pumpkin patch on a Sunday afternoon. I spent the entire morning talking about how great the place was going to be (which it was great!) and getting the kids pumped for our adventure at the pumpkin patch ... but the kids had expectations and the pumpkin patch was smaller and not as exciting as they expected (you see how this works?). 

My "family fun day" was about to turn into a "this is boring, can we go home" day and we weren't even out of the car yet. 

I was literally sitting in the parking lot of the pumpkin patch with my husband asking me what we were going to do when I realized what I needed to. 

What I Needed To Do

In that moment I realized that I could either let their attitudes ruin the entire day or I could choose to change my expectations for my children's behavior and enjoy our time together as a family. 

I chose the latter. 

It wasn't easy. It would have been easy to give in to my kids bad attitudes. It would have been easy to pack them all up and go home. 

Christ calls us to love in the hard times and being a parent is definitely loving during the hard times. It's teaching your kids to do the things they don't want to do because they might actually enjoy it (which they did) or learn something from it. 

I know I learned something from my children. Sometimes ( most of the time), I might be the one who needs to change to meet them where they are. 

My Encouragement to You

I encourage you, dear reader, to choose love with your children, even when choosing love is the hardest thing to do. I encourage you not to be be discouraged when your children don't get as excited as you are about family events. One day they will understand the value of your efforts and they will have the memory of the hard work and dedication that you put into their childhood. 

We came home that day and carved all the pumpkins you see in the picture above. We had a blast cleaning out the pumpkin guts and giving them faces. 

Your Turn 

What parenting tips or encouragement do you have for others who may struggle with getting their children to be involved with family events? Do you involve your kids in the planning process of family events? In what ways have you changed your expectations to make family outings more enjoyable? Did you find this encouraging? Leave your comments/suggestions below. Be sure to like/share/follow if you find this blog worth your time. Thank you! 

Filling My Cup

Can This Summer Just Be Over Already?

This week has been really hard. The kids are getting restless. It's the end of summer and they are tired of sitting in the house all day ... heck they are tired of doing anything that requires a parent be present. It's been a REALLY tough week. We've tried the entertainment route with a LOTR marathon but that has been for naught.

Parenting takes a lot out you, more than you realize sometimes. When I first became a parent I felt guilty for leaving to go to the grocery store or the post office or to take a bath. Now I understand the value of taking time to fill my cup, especially after week's like this. I used to get my nails or hair done or go shopping when I wanted to fill my cup but today that time took a different form.

Fall Came Early

 I have a slight (major) obsession with all things Fall. It's my favorite time of year. The best family events can be done during this season (pumpkin patch, football games, pumpkin carving, baking, Russian Tea drinking, etc) and it has the absolute best weather. (Please feel free to argue for any other season in the comments below, I promise to keep an open mind) Today I just couldn't wait any longer, I brought out my crock-pots and gave into the obsession during quiet time. 

I scoured Pinterest for the perfect recipes, I didn't intend to replicate them, I just wanted to get ideas from them. Once I found the recipes I gathered the ingredients. Then, I set to work in the kitchen. I made a recipe of my own for Apple Butter, Pumpkin Butter and I made some BBQ sauce from a recipe I found online. I must say, I am very proud of my Apple and Pumpkin Butters! 

Most of all, I spent time in the kitchen doing something I really enjoy and in the process I filled my cup after a really difficult week. There was no one in the kitchen but me. I was able to take my time, play with spices, measurements, and make it my own. 

I said I used to feel guilty for leaving, I don't anymore. I understand now that in order to be the best parent possible I need time to play in the kitchen, go shopping or get my nails done to fill my cup so that I can better parent them. I can't give grace or mercy when my grace and mercy are all tapped out, they need to be refilled. 

So I'm sitting here watching The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers with my children waiting for my Apple Butter to finish with a full cup ready for what the new week brings. 

How do you fill your cup back up when it's contents have been diminished? Do you see the value of having personal time away from your kids? Let us know how you deal with your personal care in the comments below, I look forward to reading them. 

The Things No One Tells You About

Things Said In An Almost Clean Bathroom

I'm bending over my daughter's bathtub, scrubbing with a magic eraser, noxious fumes from the chemicals wafting up in my face and that's when she says it ... "mommy, we've really been getting along here lately." "Yes sweetheart," I say, "as opposed to what," I like to joke with her like this. 

She then says the words that makes my heart drop, "we're getting along now because we're working on our relationship." 

I'm sure I said something graceful, kind, and loving in response but that struck me to my core and it reminded me just how hard my daughter and I HAVE worked on our relationship. 

What I Expected-Lemons

When my kids moved in I had all these delusions of grandeur and for a long time, I worked hard to bring them to fruition (I nearly burned myself out). I expected for us to function like every other family does the moment they moved in, which I soon found out was not realistic at all. I expected for their loyalties to lie with us because we were mom and dad now, that too was unrealistic because they had spent several years with one family creating a family atmosphere and circle of security. 

What I Found

I found that although our children had known my husband and I for 9 months they had to learn to trust us as mom and dad. They had to work out their emotions surrounding the adoption because even though it was something they wanted, it was still new territory for them ... and us too. They had to relearn how to function in previous relationships and learn how to navigate new ones. 

In the midst of all this change, my daughter and I saw a lot of turmoil. We clashed more than we did before they moved in. Both of us felt unloved and unsure of what to do next.  

Lemonade

On Easter, after a weekend of epic, Colosseum, Gladiator style, (well not really but you get the idea)  mother/daughter clashing the two of us sat down for a truce. I was still fuming and not really ready to say what I was going to say but I had every intention of following through with it. That night I told her that I was going to be more intentional about my relationship with her, that I was going to love her the way she wanted to be and deserved to be loved.

Since that night we have both worked on our attitude toward each other and the way we speak to each other. We have been more intentional about spending time with each other. My favorite thing to do is put the other kids to bed and keep her up for mother/ daughter time where we share a yoo-hoo or pecan pie, (can you guess which part of the country we live in based on our food preferences) during this time we catch up on the day and generally spend time together. 

I anticipated a lot during the process of this adoption but I didn't anticipate the struggles my daughter and I would face. She and I have worked hard to have a mother/daughter bond, it's not perfect but it's a work in progress and for that, I am proud. 

I hope one day she reads this and remembers how hard we worked and knows how much I love her and how much I prayed for her before I ever knew her. She didn't grow in my stomach, she grew in my heart and God has amplified that love with each passing day for both my children. 

Adoption is a beautiful, difficult thing. It takes a lot of grace from everyone involved. Everyone involved must give it time because it doesn't just work the second everyone is home and settled in. You have to learn everyone's nuances, their pet peeves, their likes and dislikes and that takes time.When the garden starts to bloom and flowers start to bud, it becomes a beautiful thing. I have learned to give my family, my daughter that time and the flowers that are blooming are beautiful. 

What have you learned from time with your family? How are you intentional with them? Leave your responses or suggestions in the comments below. I look forward to reading them. Also, if you like what you read, feel free to share or follow me ... or both!  

Your Baby Is Cute But I'll Stay Over Here

                                                            What Kind of Depressing Title is That

As children we are told to dry it up, stop crying, everything is fine; how does that translate into adulthood? 

It translates into adults thinking they have to carry the weight of their burdens by themselves because they think they have to be stronger than they feel. 

Why I Don't Want to Hold Your Baby

In September 2012, after over 2 years of trying; my husband and I found out that our dreams of having biological children would never be a reality. We were crushed. We sat around the house and cried for days (and ate pizza, lots and lots of pizza); once the shock wore off we slowly began to look at adoption. We thought our calling was to adopt infants from another country but the financial aspect of doing so seemed daunting to say the least; so we tabled our dream and continued on with life. 

In April of the following year we moved from Missouri to Tennessee to go to Graduate school, but Knoxville never felt like home. In November of 2013 we began the process of becoming Professional Foster Parents with an organization in our home town in North Carolina and we moved back home in February of 2014. We felt like Abraham and Sarah. Although we knew our plan was to adopt, we promised each other that we wouldn't adopt the first children that we met or that was placed in our home. 

We've had several children placed in our home but the two that God placed on our hearts and that we grew to love as our children are the two that we met first on the day we were moving in (funny how God works). I won't give you their names simply for the fact that we are working on new ones; they will be changed after the adoption is finalized. I will say that we have grown to love a beautiful, 10 year old girl with curly, strawberry blonde hair and a handsome, 8 year old boy with freckles all over his face. 

The sting and jealousy of infertility still creep up every now and then when I allow myself to think about the years that I've missed or the things that I don't get to experience. However, the joy that I get to experience with these two far surpasses anything that I could have planned or wanted for myself. My Father knew what He was doing when He said that my plans weren't good enough, that there was something better in store for my family. 

So, I don't want to hold a baby not because I'm a hateful old hag who hates babies or because I'm a witch who steals their souls ... but because I must guard my heart from the feelings that holding a baby inflicts on it. My family is complete, I have the children that God has promised me and I am happy; I don't want to tempt myself to be unhappy in the things that God has blessed me with. It's a human flaw, an easy trap to fall into to become unhappy with the blessings that we have; one that I have fallen victim to many times. I have learned, in my meager 26 years, to guard my heart from the things that make me jealous or angry.

Back To The Beginning 

It took a long time for me to be comfortable sharing this "shame" with people. People "more fertile" than us would ask when we were going to start "popping out" babies and once I got over the urge to throat punch them, I would ( as politely as possible) explain our situation to them.

 I was told as a child that everything was fine, that I needed to dry it up.  As an adult, I never learned how to depend on other people for support. I'm learning to do that now (whoopieee!) ... more importantly, I'm teaching my kids how to do it. Transparency is a huge component in my relationship with Christ, my husband, my kids and others and I believe they need to see it functioning properly in order to learn how to be transparent themselves. It's not easy and there are days I don't like to do it, but it's healthy; therefore, I'm going to do it for them. 

Your Turn

How do you promote transparency in your home? Are any of you brave enough to share you struggles/shame with us in the comments? I look forward to reading them. 

Let's Make a Deal

Dinnertime ... Let's Get Ready To Rumble!

It's an age old quarrel between parents and their children. You get the beautiful spread on the table, after slaving away all day on one meal just to hear your beautiful, loving child say, "gross, I'm not eating that." A quick flash of anger surges over you and brings Sally, the Shark sailing from the abyss.

 In that moment, you quickly make a choice of how to handle the situation. There are typically two ways to do so, the first is often the way that the situation was handled when we were children (allow me to demonstrate), "this is what we are having for dinner tonight, I'm not a short order cook."

The second option is making a deal with the child or children who have an aversion to the food that you've placed before them ( this must be done simultaneously with sending Sally, the Shark back to the sea and I promise you ... it won't be easy). Making a deal could include more peas for no broccoli, allowing them to reheat yesterday's leftovers or even skipping the meal that you've slaved over altogether for a pb&j (hold the pitch forks and torches please, I have a point, I promise).

Peanut Butter Jelly Time 

When I first became a mother, the idea of giving a child a pb&j after I spent hours in a hot kitchen cooking, really chapped my hindquarters. I take pride in the meals that I cook and I want my family to partake in those meals. I want them to glean the nutritional value from the veggies and protein (and tell me what a wonderful cook I am) ... no child of mine will eat a pb&j for dinner; and then I woke up. 

After much self-evaluation, I realized that I was causing my children to have more temper tantrums and meltdowns by requiring that they eat what I cook; I was making my job and theirs harder on the both of us. So, I changed my approach to dinnertime. I started allowing my children to make their own pb&j when they don't like what has been placed before them. 

Why Any Of This Matters

In the beginning, we went through a ton of peanut butter and jelly; our kids were having that for dinner all the time. I had to keep my pride in check, I kept reminding myself that they weren't rejecting me or my cooking but their taste buds are still forming and some of them were just a little too hesitant to try what we were having. 

I also saw that by allowing them to fix their own sandwiches, i.e. supper, they became more autonomous. They learned their way around the kitchen and the pantry a little bit better and I reluctantly saw the children in my home grow up a little bit more. After all, isn't it our jobs as parents to prepare them for adulthood? What better place to start than with a pb&j? Finally, after about the fifth or sixth pb&j my kids started getting tired of that sweet, gooey, goodness for dinner and became more willing to try what we were having. I inadvertently got my children to expand their food choices!

Your Turn 

How do you deal with your dinnertime woes? Do you make deals or ask your children to eat what you have cooked? What suggestions do you have for parents struggling with dinnertime? Leave your suggestions in the comments below. 

My Pet Shark ... Let's Call Her Sally

30 minutes until the bus comes

6 AM ... My Fitbit jitters my hand.  I drag myself out of bed and stumble into my children's rooms to get them up for school.(Mistake number 1)What I should have done is gotten up at least  20 minutes earlier and made coffee and spent time taming Sally, the Shark ... but instead I breach the threshold of my 8 year old's bedroom.  Thus the battle ensues. 

                                                        

28 minutes until the bus comes  

I flip on the light (mistake number 2). As electricity surges through the wires in his room, anger surges through him. I receive an ear full about turning off the light before I tell the now fully awake "child" to get ready for school. 

18 minutes until the bus comes

 10 minutes have clicked by and I am now returning to "the child's" room to tell him once again to get out of bed and get ready for school. At this point "the child" rolls out of bed grumbling, stomps off to the bathroom, and slams the door. 

THIS is the exact moment that Sally, the Shark makes her appearance...This is also the exact moment that toys miraculously start flying out of "the child's" room, and privileges start disappearing into thin air...Yep Sally, the Shark is here! No, I don't have a personality disorder and I don't need to see a psychiatrist. 

Sally, the Shark

Sally, my pet shark is the metaphorical mass of emotions that I feel when my children's emotions seem to be out of control or bigger than I can handle. Typically, Sally, the Shark doesn't bring anything good on her visits. She never brings souvenirs or tasty treats from the places she's visited; her visits usually result in tantrums and power struggles. 

                                                           

Taming Your Shark

So, how does one avoid power struggles and tantrums, you ask? 

First and foremost, know your Shark and it's limitations!  When you start to feel overwhelmed by your child's "big" emotions, i.e. anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment; recognize that as your untamed Shark. The sooner you recognize your Shark, the sooner you can attain composure. 

Secondly, remember that you are the adult and it is your job to help your child, no matter how disrespected or slighted you feel. It can be difficult when a child is throwing a temper tantrum over something silly, but if you are able to remain in control, the situation can be diffused a lot more quickly than if you let your Shark dictate the situation. 

Finally, and most importantly, remember to do all things in love for your child. This may sound like a simple thing, "love your kid," but I feel it is necessary to say ... it is also necessary to remember it when your child is throwing a temper tantrum.  Children have a limited amount of gray matter, therefore we must re-evaluate our approach when children tantrum or become unruly. 

    

                  7 Minutes until the bus comes

"The child" is now sitting on the couch, backpack in tow, waiting patiently for the bus. I am sitting in my chair, praying for the next 7 minutes to pass, so that I can return to my slumber and continue dreaming about a sandy paradise with no laundry. "The child" looks up at me and says "mommy," he then throws his hand in the air and shows me the "I love you" symbol.   The struggle of the morning instantly fades away and Sally, the Shark  swims back to the sea. With that little hand and "I love you" symbol, I am re-invigorated to start my day. 

0 Minutes until the bus comes

I send my children out the door and start a pot of coffee (and vow to start with coffee the next morning). When I hear the chime of my coffee pot, I pour the rich, black goodness into my Yoda coffee mug with my favorite creamer and sit down to reflect on what I should have done differently. How could I have kept Sally, the Shark in the ocean instead of in my home? 

What are some ways that you avoid tantrums and power struggles in your house? What suggestions do you have for myself and other readers for helping children cope with emotions? Leave your suggestions in the comments below. I look forward to hearing what you have to say!